Ummmmm I own and LOVE "On Getting Out of Bed" by him but hadn't read that article! It was lovely and did a wonderful job of describing scrupulosity! Thank you for sharing!
Such a beautiful reflection, friend (I use that word preemptively… hope that’s okay).
It left me with tears.
“Jesus didn’t only die for my sin, he also died for my suffering“
I think that realization first became real to me while reading Francis Spufford’s book “Unapologetic”, the chapter called “Yeshua.” Have you read it? He captures that co-suffering of Christ in such a poignant way that has given me imagery for the times in my life when I need to cling to that.
Anyway, thank you for the labor of thinking and writing this, and for the vulnerability of sharing.
SABINE! You can most definitely use the word "friend." I use that word to describe you!
Your tears are so kind, and I have never actually heard of Francis Spufford until today, and he seems like such an interesting man! I will need to read "Unapologetic."
Thank you much for this piece. It brought tears to my eyes because I too have lived this. I called my worst OCD fears “the big bad”, and 9 years ago a mixture of psychologists, Clomipramine and the grace of God brought me to the place today where at least for now, OCD no longer has a hold on me. And when the “big bad” rears its head, I have techniques to manage it. God bless you
Catherine, oof, I am so sorry you have had to experience this as well, but I'm glad you have seen growth and healing in your journey! I never wish anyone had to go through this, but learning there are others in it with me has been incredibly comforting to me. It is just so nice to know I'm not alone.
"In the darkness of God’s absence, when all hope felt lost, resurrection was humming in the background, waiting until the time was right to reveal the full glory of God.
In every darkness, in every fear, is resurrection always humming?" This is a thought with which I will sit for a long time. May God bring me the person with whom I may share your gift.
Constance, wow, thank you so much for being so kind in your comment. I get the feeling that many people feel blessed by your voice and presence in their lives. This comment has blessed me :)
Sarah--you are too kind. Thank you for saying that, and thank you for reminding me of being loved. I can't exactly put words to why, but this comment meant so much to me.
This really spoke to me because I'm experiencing something similar in my life. The good thing is that I've realized clearly that the sort of faith I need to grow is in the relationship with Jesus the Saviour and all the facts of debatable history matter not a jot. I enjoy history and it is interesting and I'm happy to read about the world real Jesus or metaphysical Jesus was embedded in and it was a lot more complex and politicised than we think. So I'm not dismissing history study,text analysis,any of that. But I realise I need to accept Jesus death for myself but that is so hard to do.
It feels impossible.My difficulty is that I have a heart of sin,a cold hard blackness in me,but I don't have SINS to stop doing. I dont drink,do drugs,fornicate,tell lies,wel not factual ones anyway,only emotional ones,I dont steal or hit people or any number of physical ACTIONS to stop doing.
I am prideful and arrogant but when I try not to be it doesn't work.
Thanks for sharing! I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and while it I’m not diagnosed with Scrupulosity, it sounds a lot like my struggle. CBT and meds have been really helpful. Like you, it was such a relief to receive a diagnosis that made sense of the chaos that spun out in my mind. A relief that I wasn’t alone. A relief that it wasn’t some mysterious sin that made my throat cramp and concentration fade. It’s a doozy when you can no longer focus on prayer or scripture and you have no awareness of mental illness. I could ramble on and on and on, so I think this realization is my cue to wrap it up. Thanks for sharing bro, it’s always so good to know we’re not alone, bc being in it *does* feel so isolating.
Great article Drew. Have you read A Quiet Mind to Suffer With? As a fellow OCD sufferer, I thought it was absolutely stunning, both in describing the pain and the hope found in Christ. Also, if you haven't heard of it, God really used the book "Can Christianity Cure OCD?" by Ian Osborn early on in my journey. Those two, and then "Brain Lock" from a non-Christian perspective would be my best long-form resources for others in the same boat. Thanks for writing about this topic and sharing in an appropriate way, I know it's beneficial for others and I wish I would have ran into more of this content earlier in life.
More importantly—thank you. For letting us sit in the closet with you.
Do you realize you are, indeed, talking about It—Big Scary Fear—? You’re doing it, Drew. Sharing it here is so huge, even if you cannot fully articulate it. That’s enough. Thank you, really, because I have rooms I cannot yet describe, rooms only my counselor and husband have entered with me. I see now that sharing them, even tangentially, is still sharing.
Have you read Alan Noble's post at Plough? You'll appreciate it. https://www.plough.com/en/topics/faith/discipleship/living-with-religious-scrupulosity-or-moral-ocd
Ummmmm I own and LOVE "On Getting Out of Bed" by him but hadn't read that article! It was lovely and did a wonderful job of describing scrupulosity! Thank you for sharing!
Such a beautiful reflection, friend (I use that word preemptively… hope that’s okay).
It left me with tears.
“Jesus didn’t only die for my sin, he also died for my suffering“
I think that realization first became real to me while reading Francis Spufford’s book “Unapologetic”, the chapter called “Yeshua.” Have you read it? He captures that co-suffering of Christ in such a poignant way that has given me imagery for the times in my life when I need to cling to that.
Anyway, thank you for the labor of thinking and writing this, and for the vulnerability of sharing.
SABINE! You can most definitely use the word "friend." I use that word to describe you!
Your tears are so kind, and I have never actually heard of Francis Spufford until today, and he seems like such an interesting man! I will need to read "Unapologetic."
I am just so grateful you are in this world!!!
Beautiful, Drew. Once again, simply beautiful.
Paige you are always so kind! Thank you for that :)
Thank you much for this piece. It brought tears to my eyes because I too have lived this. I called my worst OCD fears “the big bad”, and 9 years ago a mixture of psychologists, Clomipramine and the grace of God brought me to the place today where at least for now, OCD no longer has a hold on me. And when the “big bad” rears its head, I have techniques to manage it. God bless you
Catherine, oof, I am so sorry you have had to experience this as well, but I'm glad you have seen growth and healing in your journey! I never wish anyone had to go through this, but learning there are others in it with me has been incredibly comforting to me. It is just so nice to know I'm not alone.
This is incredible. Thank you thank you.
Brooke, thank you! Your words mean a lot to me :)
"In the darkness of God’s absence, when all hope felt lost, resurrection was humming in the background, waiting until the time was right to reveal the full glory of God.
In every darkness, in every fear, is resurrection always humming?" This is a thought with which I will sit for a long time. May God bring me the person with whom I may share your gift.
Constance, wow, thank you so much for being so kind in your comment. I get the feeling that many people feel blessed by your voice and presence in their lives. This comment has blessed me :)
Such a powerful post.
As always, it is in large part thanks to your guidance, mentorship, and advice!
This is so beautifully written. Thank you for blessing us with your vulnerability! You are very loved.
Sarah--you are too kind. Thank you for saying that, and thank you for reminding me of being loved. I can't exactly put words to why, but this comment meant so much to me.
This really spoke to me because I'm experiencing something similar in my life. The good thing is that I've realized clearly that the sort of faith I need to grow is in the relationship with Jesus the Saviour and all the facts of debatable history matter not a jot. I enjoy history and it is interesting and I'm happy to read about the world real Jesus or metaphysical Jesus was embedded in and it was a lot more complex and politicised than we think. So I'm not dismissing history study,text analysis,any of that. But I realise I need to accept Jesus death for myself but that is so hard to do.
It feels impossible.My difficulty is that I have a heart of sin,a cold hard blackness in me,but I don't have SINS to stop doing. I dont drink,do drugs,fornicate,tell lies,wel not factual ones anyway,only emotional ones,I dont steal or hit people or any number of physical ACTIONS to stop doing.
I am prideful and arrogant but when I try not to be it doesn't work.
Jane, thank you for commenting and taking the time to read this! I believe that grace is unending :)
This is beautiful, Drew. I love the thought of "resurrection humming in the background" of everything that seems dark. Thank you.
Missy thank you! I am cheering for you and your writing. So grateful we met!
Thanks, Drew! Same! It was so great to meet you.
Beautiful, Drew. Thank you for it.
Lore, I am so grateful for your presence both on Substack and--more important to me--in my life :)
Loved every word. Felt SO much of it.
Elizabeth--wow--thank you! That means a lot!
Thanks for sharing! I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and while it I’m not diagnosed with Scrupulosity, it sounds a lot like my struggle. CBT and meds have been really helpful. Like you, it was such a relief to receive a diagnosis that made sense of the chaos that spun out in my mind. A relief that I wasn’t alone. A relief that it wasn’t some mysterious sin that made my throat cramp and concentration fade. It’s a doozy when you can no longer focus on prayer or scripture and you have no awareness of mental illness. I could ramble on and on and on, so I think this realization is my cue to wrap it up. Thanks for sharing bro, it’s always so good to know we’re not alone, bc being in it *does* feel so isolating.
Great article Drew. Have you read A Quiet Mind to Suffer With? As a fellow OCD sufferer, I thought it was absolutely stunning, both in describing the pain and the hope found in Christ. Also, if you haven't heard of it, God really used the book "Can Christianity Cure OCD?" by Ian Osborn early on in my journey. Those two, and then "Brain Lock" from a non-Christian perspective would be my best long-form resources for others in the same boat. Thanks for writing about this topic and sharing in an appropriate way, I know it's beneficial for others and I wish I would have ran into more of this content earlier in life.
Beautifully said.
First of all—LOVE jmm. He’s a fave, forever.
More importantly—thank you. For letting us sit in the closet with you.
Do you realize you are, indeed, talking about It—Big Scary Fear—? You’re doing it, Drew. Sharing it here is so huge, even if you cannot fully articulate it. That’s enough. Thank you, really, because I have rooms I cannot yet describe, rooms only my counselor and husband have entered with me. I see now that sharing them, even tangentially, is still sharing.