I think I’m a few years further into my thirties than you and also not yet married. The tension of joy and longing is something I think about a lot. Tonight I was on the phone with a dear friend that was up to her eyeballs in babies and so very clearly weary from her own gifts. And I took a moment to enjoy the goodness of cooking a really great dinner while listening to a podcast and NOT having to tell a three year old to stop touching the stove. I don’t have an answer, but I do know that for me the every day joys and graces are mini gifts that I try to give thanks for and relish. But it’s not all gratitude and fun recipes; I cry about singleness and loneliness and it all. I see you and totally get this piece. ❤️
I am the friend of whom you speak! I was going to say something to that affect, but you have it covered. Every “gift” also comes with longings. The trick is to (continually) let God illuminate himself in these difficult places.
Stephanie and Christianna, my oh my thank you for your words and your thoughts. I think I am planning to write a follow-up piece about the "optimistic" side of singleness. Some days I am so grateful to wake up and "do what I want" without needing to consider someone else's desires. But then other days I wake up in the mood I wrote this piece in. The polarities are real. I am grateful for both of your lived experiences :)
Drew, well put! I was single for a fairly long chunk of my life, and I remember moments where it almost felt agonizing. The loneliness cut deep.
But on the subject of the “gift” of singleness, I have a thought- one that kind of carried me through the period where I was reluctantly single.
I don’t know if you’re a fan of The Office, but in the final episode, one of the characters (Creed) says this:
“No matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home."
I remember thinking that singleness is not my identity. It’s a place in life. Not one that I like, or would choose. In fact, I was desperately trying to get out of it. But I figured if I could make where I was home while I was there, that’s joy. Maybe that’s the gift? Not singleness itself. I genuinely think you can have the gift of singleness, and still kind of hate being single. God calls us to worship Him in every circumstance…not to like every circumstance. 🤷🏻♂️
P.s. the people I know who have not gotten into serious relationships or married until their 30s are some of the most wise and thoughtful people in my life. I look to them for their wisdom in relationships even though I’ve been in a relationship longer than them! Sometimes those extra years of singleness can actually make someone enter into relationships with a great deal more of wisdom. Either way, Gods got a unique and life-giving path set for you!
Ian, thank you for writing these words and sharing that perspective on singleness. I really like the thought that singleness is a place in life and isn't an identity.
I'm learning how to worship God in every circumstance...even in the ones I don't necessarily like. So grateful for you!
I'm gonna preface this by saying that I am not single, nor was I single for a long season. So I'm not going to inexperienced-ly (?) speak to your singleness.
But I do know that God gives us all a variety of gifts, and sometimes we take awhile to fully unwrap them. I'm in a season now where God has allowed my family to walk thru my dad's cancer, and even in that God has given us so many gifts. Cancer is not the gift, but relationships healing? That is. Cancer is not a gift, but finding God's peace morning after morning--despite the crippling anxiety of going back into the hospital room, uncertain of the news the day would bring? That is.
Whatever season we find ourselves in, God has also given us good things to discover. The more we focus on what he's given, the more we find how much we have. As I've continually praised and thanked God in this season, the more joy I've found. Joy is the celebration of what is good, and God's goodness and mercy follow us everywhere.
May you find the courage to open the gifts he's given, and enjoy them to their fullest. Singleness may not be the gift, but I guarantee this season is full of goodness, because God is in it. Blessings to you.
Oh Jess, wow, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write this comment and share a bit of your story with me. First off, I am so sorry to hear about your father's cancer--I will pray for him, for you, and for your family.
"Joy is the celebration of what is good, and God's goodness and mercy follow us everywhere." That line really sits gently with me. I am reminded that God's goodness is still present in seasons of struggle, and I am learning to seek joy in obeying God's will. It's a tricky thing, but I think you are onto something.
Again, thank you for taking the time to write this. It means a lot to me!
Well put, and echoes many of my same thoughts. I'm in my late 20s and single. Until last year, I lived in Washington DC, where many (perhaps most?) young people are unmarried. While I certainly felt the loneliness of singleness, I had so many fellow single friends in my life and at my church that it didn't feel isolating - we were all in it together. But last year, I moved back to my hometown where nearly all of my childhood friends are married and most of the people my age at my church are married, and suddenly I feel the singleness keenly. I also don't have an answer here; I can only echo what Stephanie said below, about the everyday joys and graces being mini-gifts that I am thankful for.
Hi Kate! Wow, we have very similar stories. I lived in Los Angeles for all of my twenties and was surrounded by friends who were also single. Then I moved close to home in Oklahoma for a year and quickly realized I was a bit different compared to many of the people around me. It's just weird and hard to figure out. I am cheering for you!
Yes, many relatable emotions here! It has helped me to reframe the “gift” of singleness as a gift like the gift of prophecy. The main purpose of those gifts is to build up the church. For Paul, he could never have been an itinerant missionary taking risks that frequently ended in persecution if he had a family to worry about or worrying about him - it might have even been irresponsible. But because of his singleness - and that of many other saints and missionaries since - the gospel has advanced in some amazing ways. I realize being single I’ve gotten to follow God by moving abroad, investing in a church plant, getting an MDiv that would have been much harder with a family. Reading Danielle Treweek’s new book also has me thinking that, even as marriage reflects the love of Christ and the church, one of the gifts of singleness is specifically imaging the current state of Christ’s bride in her unfulfilled longing for the wedding of the Lamb. What if our desire is actually part of our gift to the church? Also, the gifts are not always nice and easy! How often might Jeremiah or Hosea have wished the gift of prophecy came with a gift receipt? But man am I glad they didn’t get to return them.
Anyway, many more honest thoughts and wrestlings in my blogposts here:
"What if our desire is actually part of our gift to the church?"
Hannah, wow, thank you! I don't think I've ever thought of desire as a gifting for the church. Or that how I live my singleness and longing can reflect the bride of Christ. I'm going to be thinking about your words and am grateful you wrote them here. Thank you for modeling your singleness and your love of God so generously!
It cannot be coincidence that this is the first thing that hit me when I put my tablet on. It's got to be that word from God! If it weren't for that I'm female,twice that age and couldn't have put all those words in that order I could have written this. It's how I feel right now. Strangely it was very consoling to read a bit like reading The Psalms that describe the total bitterness and desolation of being alienated from God. That has been medicalized as depression since the late 19th century but sometimes the last thing you want is a bracing cheering up and being told how lucky you are. It's true that just because you are on your own doesn't mean your life is one non stop hedonistic party. And God may be your friend,our Friend but he can't give you a cuddle or make you a cup of coffee.
I suppose most gifts come by way of surprise...joy, singleness, marriage...all are not without wrestling and sorrow and inconsolable longing. Loneliness plagues us all. But more specifically, I've never known the longing for marriage, for I've had it for a long time now. And it was given to me perhaps before I even knew I wanted it. But what I will say is this: my friends (and family) who are single are some of my absolute favorite & beloved people in the world.
As always Janell, you are eloquent and kind and hospitable. Thank you for being you, and I can only imagine that your single friends feel incredibly lucky to be known by you :)
"Is the waiting a kind of formation in patience—my own gauntlet of sanctification?"
I don't know. I only know the waiting gets to you. I spent several recent years "single" in a lengthy long-distance relationship that did not end in marriage. I certainly thought of the waiting and the loneliness I experienced during that relationship as a kind of ongoing process of positive formation, one that was probably good for me, but would be good for me mostly if the relationship went the way I wanted it to. I would not say I am in a position to weigh whether I have the gift of singleness longterm, but I do wrestle with what it meant to endure that waiting for a long time already and then to have to return to it on my own. All that to say: I think sanctification will surely come, but I hope very much that it doesn't always feel like a gauntlet. Thank you for this.
I'm sorry you had to wade through the waters of long-distance to not have the result you were hoping for. That is so difficult, and I hope it is somewhat comforting to know there are others like us out there. I believe God is good and kind even when life is sometimes not that way. Cheering for you!
Thanks Drew, glad it was helpful! Also since that comment I read chapter 4 of The Meaning of Singleness where she deconstructs the evangelical interpretation of 1 Cor 7 and the “gift” of singleness and found it really relevant:
- “There is no patristic evidence that supports the contention that [as the common evangelical interpretation of the gift of singleness supposes] Paul was referring to a select few being endowed with a kind of supernatural “booster shot” of extraordinary self-control, lowered libido, and life contented was which was not generally available to all Christian persons” (65).
“Augustine held that as human creatures, all Christians are responsible to say no to sexual sin, and as recipients of God’s grace and his in dwelling Spirit, all Christians are able to say no to sexual sin. He held this to be true of both the married and unmarried Christian. No extraordinary “booster shots” were required for “the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all, training us to renounce impiety and worldly passions and in the present age to live lives that are self-controlled, upright, and godly” (Titus 2:11-12)” (67).
I think I’m a few years further into my thirties than you and also not yet married. The tension of joy and longing is something I think about a lot. Tonight I was on the phone with a dear friend that was up to her eyeballs in babies and so very clearly weary from her own gifts. And I took a moment to enjoy the goodness of cooking a really great dinner while listening to a podcast and NOT having to tell a three year old to stop touching the stove. I don’t have an answer, but I do know that for me the every day joys and graces are mini gifts that I try to give thanks for and relish. But it’s not all gratitude and fun recipes; I cry about singleness and loneliness and it all. I see you and totally get this piece. ❤️
I am the friend of whom you speak! I was going to say something to that affect, but you have it covered. Every “gift” also comes with longings. The trick is to (continually) let God illuminate himself in these difficult places.
Stephanie and Christianna, my oh my thank you for your words and your thoughts. I think I am planning to write a follow-up piece about the "optimistic" side of singleness. Some days I am so grateful to wake up and "do what I want" without needing to consider someone else's desires. But then other days I wake up in the mood I wrote this piece in. The polarities are real. I am grateful for both of your lived experiences :)
Drew, well put! I was single for a fairly long chunk of my life, and I remember moments where it almost felt agonizing. The loneliness cut deep.
But on the subject of the “gift” of singleness, I have a thought- one that kind of carried me through the period where I was reluctantly single.
I don’t know if you’re a fan of The Office, but in the final episode, one of the characters (Creed) says this:
“No matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home."
I remember thinking that singleness is not my identity. It’s a place in life. Not one that I like, or would choose. In fact, I was desperately trying to get out of it. But I figured if I could make where I was home while I was there, that’s joy. Maybe that’s the gift? Not singleness itself. I genuinely think you can have the gift of singleness, and still kind of hate being single. God calls us to worship Him in every circumstance…not to like every circumstance. 🤷🏻♂️
P.s. the people I know who have not gotten into serious relationships or married until their 30s are some of the most wise and thoughtful people in my life. I look to them for their wisdom in relationships even though I’ve been in a relationship longer than them! Sometimes those extra years of singleness can actually make someone enter into relationships with a great deal more of wisdom. Either way, Gods got a unique and life-giving path set for you!
Ian, thank you for writing these words and sharing that perspective on singleness. I really like the thought that singleness is a place in life and isn't an identity.
I'm learning how to worship God in every circumstance...even in the ones I don't necessarily like. So grateful for you!
I'm gonna preface this by saying that I am not single, nor was I single for a long season. So I'm not going to inexperienced-ly (?) speak to your singleness.
But I do know that God gives us all a variety of gifts, and sometimes we take awhile to fully unwrap them. I'm in a season now where God has allowed my family to walk thru my dad's cancer, and even in that God has given us so many gifts. Cancer is not the gift, but relationships healing? That is. Cancer is not a gift, but finding God's peace morning after morning--despite the crippling anxiety of going back into the hospital room, uncertain of the news the day would bring? That is.
Whatever season we find ourselves in, God has also given us good things to discover. The more we focus on what he's given, the more we find how much we have. As I've continually praised and thanked God in this season, the more joy I've found. Joy is the celebration of what is good, and God's goodness and mercy follow us everywhere.
May you find the courage to open the gifts he's given, and enjoy them to their fullest. Singleness may not be the gift, but I guarantee this season is full of goodness, because God is in it. Blessings to you.
jlh
Oh Jess, wow, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write this comment and share a bit of your story with me. First off, I am so sorry to hear about your father's cancer--I will pray for him, for you, and for your family.
"Joy is the celebration of what is good, and God's goodness and mercy follow us everywhere." That line really sits gently with me. I am reminded that God's goodness is still present in seasons of struggle, and I am learning to seek joy in obeying God's will. It's a tricky thing, but I think you are onto something.
Again, thank you for taking the time to write this. It means a lot to me!
I am so excited for you to discover joy in this season...it is a game-changer! It's an honor to join you in seeing the goodness of God.
And thank you for your prayers for my family 💛
Well put, and echoes many of my same thoughts. I'm in my late 20s and single. Until last year, I lived in Washington DC, where many (perhaps most?) young people are unmarried. While I certainly felt the loneliness of singleness, I had so many fellow single friends in my life and at my church that it didn't feel isolating - we were all in it together. But last year, I moved back to my hometown where nearly all of my childhood friends are married and most of the people my age at my church are married, and suddenly I feel the singleness keenly. I also don't have an answer here; I can only echo what Stephanie said below, about the everyday joys and graces being mini-gifts that I am thankful for.
Hi Kate! Wow, we have very similar stories. I lived in Los Angeles for all of my twenties and was surrounded by friends who were also single. Then I moved close to home in Oklahoma for a year and quickly realized I was a bit different compared to many of the people around me. It's just weird and hard to figure out. I am cheering for you!
So what’s the return policy on this gift? 😂
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
excellent, excellent comment!
Yes, many relatable emotions here! It has helped me to reframe the “gift” of singleness as a gift like the gift of prophecy. The main purpose of those gifts is to build up the church. For Paul, he could never have been an itinerant missionary taking risks that frequently ended in persecution if he had a family to worry about or worrying about him - it might have even been irresponsible. But because of his singleness - and that of many other saints and missionaries since - the gospel has advanced in some amazing ways. I realize being single I’ve gotten to follow God by moving abroad, investing in a church plant, getting an MDiv that would have been much harder with a family. Reading Danielle Treweek’s new book also has me thinking that, even as marriage reflects the love of Christ and the church, one of the gifts of singleness is specifically imaging the current state of Christ’s bride in her unfulfilled longing for the wedding of the Lamb. What if our desire is actually part of our gift to the church? Also, the gifts are not always nice and easy! How often might Jeremiah or Hosea have wished the gift of prophecy came with a gift receipt? But man am I glad they didn’t get to return them.
Anyway, many more honest thoughts and wrestlings in my blogposts here:
https://hannahras.wordpress.com/2020/02/13/why-am-i-still-single/
https://hannahras.wordpress.com/2020/05/27/the-gifts-of-singleness/
"What if our desire is actually part of our gift to the church?"
Hannah, wow, thank you! I don't think I've ever thought of desire as a gifting for the church. Or that how I live my singleness and longing can reflect the bride of Christ. I'm going to be thinking about your words and am grateful you wrote them here. Thank you for modeling your singleness and your love of God so generously!
It cannot be coincidence that this is the first thing that hit me when I put my tablet on. It's got to be that word from God! If it weren't for that I'm female,twice that age and couldn't have put all those words in that order I could have written this. It's how I feel right now. Strangely it was very consoling to read a bit like reading The Psalms that describe the total bitterness and desolation of being alienated from God. That has been medicalized as depression since the late 19th century but sometimes the last thing you want is a bracing cheering up and being told how lucky you are. It's true that just because you are on your own doesn't mean your life is one non stop hedonistic party. And God may be your friend,our Friend but he can't give you a cuddle or make you a cup of coffee.
The Psalms have been SUCH a wonderful place for me to sit. They remind me that my emotions can be shared with God :)
Thank you for sharing!
I suppose most gifts come by way of surprise...joy, singleness, marriage...all are not without wrestling and sorrow and inconsolable longing. Loneliness plagues us all. But more specifically, I've never known the longing for marriage, for I've had it for a long time now. And it was given to me perhaps before I even knew I wanted it. But what I will say is this: my friends (and family) who are single are some of my absolute favorite & beloved people in the world.
As always Janell, you are eloquent and kind and hospitable. Thank you for being you, and I can only imagine that your single friends feel incredibly lucky to be known by you :)
"Is the waiting a kind of formation in patience—my own gauntlet of sanctification?"
I don't know. I only know the waiting gets to you. I spent several recent years "single" in a lengthy long-distance relationship that did not end in marriage. I certainly thought of the waiting and the loneliness I experienced during that relationship as a kind of ongoing process of positive formation, one that was probably good for me, but would be good for me mostly if the relationship went the way I wanted it to. I would not say I am in a position to weigh whether I have the gift of singleness longterm, but I do wrestle with what it meant to endure that waiting for a long time already and then to have to return to it on my own. All that to say: I think sanctification will surely come, but I hope very much that it doesn't always feel like a gauntlet. Thank you for this.
I'm sorry you had to wade through the waters of long-distance to not have the result you were hoping for. That is so difficult, and I hope it is somewhat comforting to know there are others like us out there. I believe God is good and kind even when life is sometimes not that way. Cheering for you!
I don’t have an answer for you, but thank you for sharing this. I appreciate your openness.
Thank you so much--that means a lot to me!
Proverbs 3:5-6 come to mind. Trust God’s ways and not our own . Let Him direct our path.
Thanks Drew, glad it was helpful! Also since that comment I read chapter 4 of The Meaning of Singleness where she deconstructs the evangelical interpretation of 1 Cor 7 and the “gift” of singleness and found it really relevant:
- “There is no patristic evidence that supports the contention that [as the common evangelical interpretation of the gift of singleness supposes] Paul was referring to a select few being endowed with a kind of supernatural “booster shot” of extraordinary self-control, lowered libido, and life contented was which was not generally available to all Christian persons” (65).
“Augustine held that as human creatures, all Christians are responsible to say no to sexual sin, and as recipients of God’s grace and his in dwelling Spirit, all Christians are able to say no to sexual sin. He held this to be true of both the married and unmarried Christian. No extraordinary “booster shots” were required for “the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all, training us to renounce impiety and worldly passions and in the present age to live lives that are self-controlled, upright, and godly” (Titus 2:11-12)” (67).