love this. i honestly feel like one of the biggest struggles about singleness isn't even the singleness itself, but all the weird, internalized, not really biblical ideas about it that i've absorbed, like the feeling that my desire for marriage (and that fact that it's unmet) is kind of pathetic, and marriage isn't really something i should want (despite the fact that everyone sings it praises) because singleness is a gift and i'm supposed to be content, and if i do want marriage at all then i should want it less because i don't want to idolize it, so then i feel guilty and pathetic again, and we start over from the beginning. all of these ideas have often made me feel absolutely stuck in a circular loop of painful feelings. it's a paradigm shift to instead be reminded that my desire is holy and sacred. it just feels completely different. will be mulling over this piece for a while, i think.
It feels like one of two extremes. Either you need to want marriage above everything else or you are trained to think you should be perfectly content single and somehow better than a desire for marriage. It is such a difficult place to exist sometimes! I'm cheering for you!
Thank you Drew. As someone who didn’t get married until a few years ago at the age of 40, I was always so hesitant to say that marriage was the clearest picture of Christ’s love for us since I knew there were sacred gifts in singleness too. But it’s actually true and really good to say it out loud (well done!) and in the meantime to still long for it and fight for it with your whole heart. I affirm your desire and your hope and will be another person praying you find your person!
Sarah, ME TOO. I was nervous to say that marriage offered a picture of Christ's love because I didn't want to denigrate the reality of singleness, but I really think we can learn from one another and model different aspects of the Christian life. I am so grateful for your prayers!
I’m right there with you on this! I appreciate the Passover/Song of Songs connection - hadn’t heard of that before but it makes sense with Jesus saying he would eat it again when he comes in his kingdom… presumably at the wedding supper of the “lamb”?
Both with dating/singleness and undiagnosed illness lately, I find longing - or hope - is a hard middle place, because you don’t have the closure that would let you grieve, accept then be content… but you also need energy to keep going.
“I need just enough gratitude
to be present here
enough discontentment
to keep trying keep trudging…
Sometimes hope looks like longing on a bad day
And is it
denial or resilience
contentment or resignation
a step of faith or taking matters into our own hands
bitter or lamenting limits?
Oh the wisdom to know the difference.”
That poem ended up with me reflecting on advent / the second coming… which is similar to what you’re talking about here with hope for the groom’s return & new creation.
Thinking about your other piece about the “gift” of singleness… I’ve been channeling some of the angsty feels into lament, thinking about how Katongole makes the point that hope is often Born from Lament. I ended up rewriting a Taylor Swift song as a lament Psalm lol… It reminded me of some of your writing, in terms of when someone asks “Why are you still single?” and it requires a full explanation of purity culture and a sociological analysis of Christian singles:
If this doesn’t feel like the theme of my mid twenties . I feel like there’s so much tension with it especially when friends or people around us are like “but Mallory’s going to be by herself in this” or friends just trying to set me up when they’re not what I’m looking for. Then there’s navigating singleness within the church where singles are less than 10% above the age of 22. One resource that has been helpful is Single Today by Ryan Wekenman. Soooo good! But I’ve also recognized things in this season that God knows my heart better than me right now. So I just need to trust that.
What a beautiful essay, Drew! This resonated with me as a fellow Christian single.
I chased after several false loves this year trying to satisfy the longings within my heart, and every wild goose chase left me exhausted and heartbroken. Learning to surrender my singleness to God has been an ongoing process, but when I trust that He has my best interest at heart, I feel at peace . . . even in the midst of that tension you described. Thank you for this piece. It was very encouraging!
This is so deep🙏🏽 thanks for sharing. Also on my single journey, and feel pretty content about it. Surrendering all desires to Christ. He’s in control and is continuously preparing me each day to be more mature and refined 😇❤️🩹
Yes, God has created us to long for Him, to quench our thirst in Christ. Singleness in Christ is precious in that it avoids distractions that relationship and marriage inevitably bring.
But singleness can be a natural and emotional burden too, especially for those who are bereaved. Unexpected death made me single and I haven't coped with it at all well.
Thanks Drew. Really appreciate your honesty and thoughts about longing - both for a spouse and for perfect union with Christ. I recently read The Meaning of Singleness by @danitreweek which argues that singleness has equal eschatalogical significance as marriage. Thoughts?
love this. i honestly feel like one of the biggest struggles about singleness isn't even the singleness itself, but all the weird, internalized, not really biblical ideas about it that i've absorbed, like the feeling that my desire for marriage (and that fact that it's unmet) is kind of pathetic, and marriage isn't really something i should want (despite the fact that everyone sings it praises) because singleness is a gift and i'm supposed to be content, and if i do want marriage at all then i should want it less because i don't want to idolize it, so then i feel guilty and pathetic again, and we start over from the beginning. all of these ideas have often made me feel absolutely stuck in a circular loop of painful feelings. it's a paradigm shift to instead be reminded that my desire is holy and sacred. it just feels completely different. will be mulling over this piece for a while, i think.
It feels like one of two extremes. Either you need to want marriage above everything else or you are trained to think you should be perfectly content single and somehow better than a desire for marriage. It is such a difficult place to exist sometimes! I'm cheering for you!
“Embodying holy longing.” It’s all so good Drew. Single or not, we’re all in a groaning state. Aching with a desire that this earth cannot fill.
Amen :) That reminds me of that C.S. Lewis quote about how if you find a desire that earth can't fulfill it's because you were made for another world.
Thank you! As a single person it's really good to be reminded that my desires are GOOD. 🙌
Awww thank you so much! I'm glad this could remind you!
Thank you Drew. As someone who didn’t get married until a few years ago at the age of 40, I was always so hesitant to say that marriage was the clearest picture of Christ’s love for us since I knew there were sacred gifts in singleness too. But it’s actually true and really good to say it out loud (well done!) and in the meantime to still long for it and fight for it with your whole heart. I affirm your desire and your hope and will be another person praying you find your person!
Sarah, ME TOO. I was nervous to say that marriage offered a picture of Christ's love because I didn't want to denigrate the reality of singleness, but I really think we can learn from one another and model different aspects of the Christian life. I am so grateful for your prayers!
As a single person, I found this post really relatable!
Thank you so much! I'm selfishly glad there are others who can relate!
Hey Drew,
I’m right there with you on this! I appreciate the Passover/Song of Songs connection - hadn’t heard of that before but it makes sense with Jesus saying he would eat it again when he comes in his kingdom… presumably at the wedding supper of the “lamb”?
Both with dating/singleness and undiagnosed illness lately, I find longing - or hope - is a hard middle place, because you don’t have the closure that would let you grieve, accept then be content… but you also need energy to keep going.
“I need just enough gratitude
to be present here
enough discontentment
to keep trying keep trudging…
Sometimes hope looks like longing on a bad day
And is it
denial or resilience
contentment or resignation
a step of faith or taking matters into our own hands
bitter or lamenting limits?
Oh the wisdom to know the difference.”
That poem ended up with me reflecting on advent / the second coming… which is similar to what you’re talking about here with hope for the groom’s return & new creation.
https://hannahras.wordpress.com/2023/12/24/hopes-cry-poem/
Thinking about your other piece about the “gift” of singleness… I’ve been channeling some of the angsty feels into lament, thinking about how Katongole makes the point that hope is often Born from Lament. I ended up rewriting a Taylor Swift song as a lament Psalm lol… It reminded me of some of your writing, in terms of when someone asks “Why are you still single?” and it requires a full explanation of purity culture and a sociological analysis of Christian singles:
https://hannahras.wordpress.com/2024/03/01/dont-blame-me-hannahs-version/
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your writing! I am cheering for you!
Don't settle for anything but Christ-like Love.
If this doesn’t feel like the theme of my mid twenties . I feel like there’s so much tension with it especially when friends or people around us are like “but Mallory’s going to be by herself in this” or friends just trying to set me up when they’re not what I’m looking for. Then there’s navigating singleness within the church where singles are less than 10% above the age of 22. One resource that has been helpful is Single Today by Ryan Wekenman. Soooo good! But I’ve also recognized things in this season that God knows my heart better than me right now. So I just need to trust that.
What a beautiful essay, Drew! This resonated with me as a fellow Christian single.
I chased after several false loves this year trying to satisfy the longings within my heart, and every wild goose chase left me exhausted and heartbroken. Learning to surrender my singleness to God has been an ongoing process, but when I trust that He has my best interest at heart, I feel at peace . . . even in the midst of that tension you described. Thank you for this piece. It was very encouraging!
This is so deep🙏🏽 thanks for sharing. Also on my single journey, and feel pretty content about it. Surrendering all desires to Christ. He’s in control and is continuously preparing me each day to be more mature and refined 😇❤️🩹
Yes, God has created us to long for Him, to quench our thirst in Christ. Singleness in Christ is precious in that it avoids distractions that relationship and marriage inevitably bring.
But singleness can be a natural and emotional burden too, especially for those who are bereaved. Unexpected death made me single and I haven't coped with it at all well.
Thanks Drew. Really appreciate your honesty and thoughts about longing - both for a spouse and for perfect union with Christ. I recently read The Meaning of Singleness by @danitreweek which argues that singleness has equal eschatalogical significance as marriage. Thoughts?