Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Drew! I’ve dealt with scrupulosity since childhood and wasn’t diagnosed until my 20s. I’m getting braver about talking and writing about it because it’s so healing for me to read about other people’s experiences. So grateful for this piece! I love that Psalm—such a good reminder that we can rest in the goodness of God. 🩵
Oh wow. I just finished reading your piece and am floored by it. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, and thank you for your kindness in reading about my own experience!
Thanks for relating your personal story about an all too common but Under discussed issue among Christians. As a therapist I came across this kind of compulsive thinking a lot. One thing that helped was explain the idea of Automatic Negative Thinking or ants. Almost everyone struggles with ants at a level that does not cause a panic but others, as you said, are bone deep and very disturbing.
A Jewish Psychiatrist helped me differentiate Guilt from Shame and that differentiation has set many people free.
Many Christians carry a constant sense of being ‘guilty’ and incessantly confess. However, it is clear that one confession leads to erasing true moral guilt. So, if the guilt is gone, what am I confessing?
Shame!
A sense of having lost my identity as a child of God.
Psychological shame comes from a family or community shunning a member.
Spiritual shame comes from the belief that God is shunning me.
God has kicked me out of the Garden forever.
Romans 8:14-22 states that God has placed us into His eternal family forever.
We did not receive the Spirit of slavery /shame to return to fear. We received the Spirit of Sonship with which we cry Abba Father.
Intrusive thoughts of the scrupulous slavery to shame are banned by Jesus.
The Psalms are wonderful reminders of our security.
Gary, wow, you are an amazing therapist, and I'm grateful there are people out there like you bridging Christianity and counseling! I really like that dichotomy between guilt and shame. That'll preach!
By assuming that any and all our mental and emotional issues as described in the DSM were commonly experienced by people in the Bible and they discovered answers in following God | think we can often find biblical answers or at least guidance. I ran an inpatient hospital for seven years and saw a lot of people suffering from shame.
I most definitely have OCD and can relate to much of what you say/have experienced. Getting stuck on thoughts that loop round and round in my mind. It's exhausting! Praise God for His mercy and grace, and I am beginning to see how His power is made perfect in my weakness. I am starting to accept - just a wee bit - my weakness, my limitations, my littleness. I've met some others on Substack who also struggle with OCD and it is so good to know one is not alone. Blessings to you and yours!
Thank you for sharing, Drew. I think you simply referencing it as your Big Scary Fear was a great tool, because it helps the reader insert their own fears as they read. Rather than just focusing on your specific experience. Because we all have them. While I don't think I have this, I have had some religious OCD tendencies throughout my life (like being afraid of conjuring a demon in my room if I did not pray enough when I was little lol) and this made me feel really seen.
Jenna thank you! I'm really glad the Big Scary Fear decision worked out for you. I wanted to be able to write about this really personal thing, but I also wanted to keep some things private. I'm glad that kind of worked out :)
Thank you, Drew! You know that I know how complex this topic is to bridge. Thank you for starting this conversation with lightness, vulnerability, and hope.
Thanks for sharing, this was so helpful to read!! I’m not totally sure what I might have but this resonates a lot with my experience and I know I need to find some help. Reading how you described your Big Scary Fear made me feel like I knew exactly what fear you were talking about, and even if mine is completely different, it’s so helpful to know someone feels the same way about *something* at least, even if the object is different.
Amelia, I'm so glad this was helpful for you, and I'm also sorry you have to journey with your Big Scary Fear too. I'm praying for you this morning and trusting that God is good even in the midst of the Big Scary Fear!
This is soooooo good. And feels so parallel with my experience. I’m a pastor who was diagnosed with OCD with scrupulosity / religious ocd about 3.5 years ago (but it’s easy to see how it’s been there my whole life now). It’s so difficult, especially when you’re a ministry person. And yes SO few folks have heard of it. The Big Scary Thought moment felt so familiar, and you did such a great job painting the picture of how it feels and spirals. Alongside the person we call to confess! Medication and therapy have helped so much, and I feel very similarly to how you’ve described this. I LOVE that Psalm and hadn’t heard it used within this framework before but it’s PERFECT! I got to preach on Psalm 23 and OCD as well. Thanks for sharing your story!
Tyler! First off, so sorry for my delay in responding to this! Second, wow, thank you for sharing a bit of your story here. I am SO grateful people like you exist in ministry; I can only imagine how freeing you will be for someone looking for help. Thanks for using your scars to point people to Jesus :)
This is great, I struggled a lot with scruples, and it creates a caricature that is deeply unhealthy, a big help to me was also just hearing it named as OCD, now I can just sit with it, like the beeping of a car warning, I don’t even remember what that thing was last week, because I let it go
Tony, YES. I can't tell you how freeing it was when I got that diagnosis. I remember joking with a friend right after about how much I wanted to throw a diagnosis party haha. I'm so glad you have found relief :)
Drew, thank you so much for writing this! As a fellow scrupulosity sufferer, this made me feel seen and encouraged on a low day. I hope we can keep gathering more and more Christians who suffer from OCD and form a little community—and keep spreading the awareness too!!
Rachael! First off, I'm so sorry you are also journeying with this. I wish no one else had to have it! And I'm sorry it was a low day. But I'm glad my piece could keep you company. I'm cheering for you!
Thank you for sharing your story with so much authenticity. It gives me hope. God bless you, Drew. Thank you for writing this thoughtfully and free from triggers. I am deeply encouraged by your journey.
Abigail, I'm so glad I was able to write this in a way that wasn't triggering for you. I've definitely read stuff that has been intended to help but only triggered me more.
I remember you and I talking about Psalm 131 and it's been one of my favorite Psalms to meditate on ever since! Thank you for your vulnerability, but also thank you for modeling how to engage in it while protecting one's well-being so beautifully! Miss you Drew Brown!
BRIDGET HADORN. My oh my how I miss you! I'm so glad we got to spend that time together, and I'm glad 131 has been a comfort to you! I'm amazed by your generosity and kindness :)
Jonathan, that is so kind of you to say. I'm really grateful for Psalm 131, and I'm grateful for others living well in the midst of a sometimes chaotic mind.
For the past 10 years, i’ve served as a pastoral counselor. We use a technique called transformation prayer. I’ve seen God do wonders with it, including delivering people who I now recognize had this kind of religious OCD, especially crystallized in a single fear, like the fear of being good enough, or losing their salvation.
So, I would love to talk about this more and offer it to people, but I also don’t want to sound like I am being blithe and dismissive. I don’t want to make it sound like I am minimizing any of the experiences people are going through.
To be more specific, I’ve seen that these kinds of religious OCD are rooted in beliefs, either rational or irrational. Those beliefs are something God can speak to. He can renew our minds, and in doing so, transform our lives. We aren’t stuck with our irrational beliefs. God is the God who can renew minds.
So yeah. I would love to talk about this more with anyone who is interested. But if this seems insensitive or out of place, please feel free to delete this comment. I just want to offer some of the help that I’ve found. I don’t want to tread on anyone’s toes.
Hey Kyle! First off, your comment is incredibly kind and thoughtful; I hope you don't worry at all about being insensitive. Second, I agree with you, and this is a super, super important and mysterious topic! I have a very high view of the Holy Spirit / the Spirit's movement in miraculous ways, and I've met a lot of people deeply transformed in miraculous ways because of prayer.
For me, I'm a both / and guy. In my own life, I've experienced miraculous healing from the Lord while also experiencing the continued effects of OCD. I had a moment in prayer where I felt the Lord tell me he had plans for me with OCD, and I have worked hard to trust him in that while also having full confidence that he can heal me whenever he wants to.
All this to say, I am so grateful for pastoral counselors like you. I see a therapist who is a Christian and meet with my pastor regularly! The Lord works in mysterious ways, and I am hoping to be faithful in whatever way he wants to work :)
I just posted a Note about how scrupulosity kept me awake all last night, and asked for prayers, and--lo and behold--your post showed up in my feed. This diagnosis is an old one for me, but what will never get old is reading truth from others who understand the struggle. Thank you for sharing and for your encouragement to my tired heart!
Oh Wendi your words mean so much to me! I get nervous sharing pieces like this because they feel so vulnerable and just, like, out there for anyone to read. To know it's been used by God to provide you some solidarity means so much :)
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Drew! I’ve dealt with scrupulosity since childhood and wasn’t diagnosed until my 20s. I’m getting braver about talking and writing about it because it’s so healing for me to read about other people’s experiences. So grateful for this piece! I love that Psalm—such a good reminder that we can rest in the goodness of God. 🩵
I’ve shared about my ocd in several posts, but here’s a recent one https://open.substack.com/pub/pleinairpoetry/p/mountaintops-and-fickle-thoughts?r=5bvp5a&utm_medium=ios
Oh wow. I just finished reading your piece and am floored by it. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, and thank you for your kindness in reading about my own experience!
Thanks for relating your personal story about an all too common but Under discussed issue among Christians. As a therapist I came across this kind of compulsive thinking a lot. One thing that helped was explain the idea of Automatic Negative Thinking or ants. Almost everyone struggles with ants at a level that does not cause a panic but others, as you said, are bone deep and very disturbing.
A Jewish Psychiatrist helped me differentiate Guilt from Shame and that differentiation has set many people free.
Many Christians carry a constant sense of being ‘guilty’ and incessantly confess. However, it is clear that one confession leads to erasing true moral guilt. So, if the guilt is gone, what am I confessing?
Shame!
A sense of having lost my identity as a child of God.
Psychological shame comes from a family or community shunning a member.
Spiritual shame comes from the belief that God is shunning me.
God has kicked me out of the Garden forever.
Romans 8:14-22 states that God has placed us into His eternal family forever.
We did not receive the Spirit of slavery /shame to return to fear. We received the Spirit of Sonship with which we cry Abba Father.
Intrusive thoughts of the scrupulous slavery to shame are banned by Jesus.
The Psalms are wonderful reminders of our security.
Gary, wow, you are an amazing therapist, and I'm grateful there are people out there like you bridging Christianity and counseling! I really like that dichotomy between guilt and shame. That'll preach!
I'm grateful you read!
By assuming that any and all our mental and emotional issues as described in the DSM were commonly experienced by people in the Bible and they discovered answers in following God | think we can often find biblical answers or at least guidance. I ran an inpatient hospital for seven years and saw a lot of people suffering from shame.
I most definitely have OCD and can relate to much of what you say/have experienced. Getting stuck on thoughts that loop round and round in my mind. It's exhausting! Praise God for His mercy and grace, and I am beginning to see how His power is made perfect in my weakness. I am starting to accept - just a wee bit - my weakness, my limitations, my littleness. I've met some others on Substack who also struggle with OCD and it is so good to know one is not alone. Blessings to you and yours!
Melisa, thank you for your kind words, and thank you for sharing your own journey with me. Yes--praise God we are not alone!!
Thank you for sharing, Drew. I think you simply referencing it as your Big Scary Fear was a great tool, because it helps the reader insert their own fears as they read. Rather than just focusing on your specific experience. Because we all have them. While I don't think I have this, I have had some religious OCD tendencies throughout my life (like being afraid of conjuring a demon in my room if I did not pray enough when I was little lol) and this made me feel really seen.
Jenna thank you! I'm really glad the Big Scary Fear decision worked out for you. I wanted to be able to write about this really personal thing, but I also wanted to keep some things private. I'm glad that kind of worked out :)
Thank you, Drew! You know that I know how complex this topic is to bridge. Thank you for starting this conversation with lightness, vulnerability, and hope.
Oh Caroline, you are so welcome. Thank YOU for your words and your bravery online. I'm so grateful to cheer you on!
Thanks for sharing, this was so helpful to read!! I’m not totally sure what I might have but this resonates a lot with my experience and I know I need to find some help. Reading how you described your Big Scary Fear made me feel like I knew exactly what fear you were talking about, and even if mine is completely different, it’s so helpful to know someone feels the same way about *something* at least, even if the object is different.
Amelia, I'm so glad this was helpful for you, and I'm also sorry you have to journey with your Big Scary Fear too. I'm praying for you this morning and trusting that God is good even in the midst of the Big Scary Fear!
❤️
This is soooooo good. And feels so parallel with my experience. I’m a pastor who was diagnosed with OCD with scrupulosity / religious ocd about 3.5 years ago (but it’s easy to see how it’s been there my whole life now). It’s so difficult, especially when you’re a ministry person. And yes SO few folks have heard of it. The Big Scary Thought moment felt so familiar, and you did such a great job painting the picture of how it feels and spirals. Alongside the person we call to confess! Medication and therapy have helped so much, and I feel very similarly to how you’ve described this. I LOVE that Psalm and hadn’t heard it used within this framework before but it’s PERFECT! I got to preach on Psalm 23 and OCD as well. Thanks for sharing your story!
Tyler! First off, so sorry for my delay in responding to this! Second, wow, thank you for sharing a bit of your story here. I am SO grateful people like you exist in ministry; I can only imagine how freeing you will be for someone looking for help. Thanks for using your scars to point people to Jesus :)
This is great, I struggled a lot with scruples, and it creates a caricature that is deeply unhealthy, a big help to me was also just hearing it named as OCD, now I can just sit with it, like the beeping of a car warning, I don’t even remember what that thing was last week, because I let it go
Tony, YES. I can't tell you how freeing it was when I got that diagnosis. I remember joking with a friend right after about how much I wanted to throw a diagnosis party haha. I'm so glad you have found relief :)
Drew, thank you so much for writing this! As a fellow scrupulosity sufferer, this made me feel seen and encouraged on a low day. I hope we can keep gathering more and more Christians who suffer from OCD and form a little community—and keep spreading the awareness too!!
Rachael! First off, I'm so sorry you are also journeying with this. I wish no one else had to have it! And I'm sorry it was a low day. But I'm glad my piece could keep you company. I'm cheering for you!
Thank you for sharing this. Your pastors and friends are lucky to have you! I’m grateful for your voice in this space.
Kristin, you are so kind! Thank you for reading and commenting!
Thank you for sharing your story with so much authenticity. It gives me hope. God bless you, Drew. Thank you for writing this thoughtfully and free from triggers. I am deeply encouraged by your journey.
Abigail, I'm so glad I was able to write this in a way that wasn't triggering for you. I've definitely read stuff that has been intended to help but only triggered me more.
I remember you and I talking about Psalm 131 and it's been one of my favorite Psalms to meditate on ever since! Thank you for your vulnerability, but also thank you for modeling how to engage in it while protecting one's well-being so beautifully! Miss you Drew Brown!
BRIDGET HADORN. My oh my how I miss you! I'm so glad we got to spend that time together, and I'm glad 131 has been a comfort to you! I'm amazed by your generosity and kindness :)
This blessed me today, Drew, helping me to piece together some of my own story, and also evidence of why I've been so drawn to Psalm 131.
Jonathan, that is so kind of you to say. I'm really grateful for Psalm 131, and I'm grateful for others living well in the midst of a sometimes chaotic mind.
So… I have an awkward comment to make.
For the past 10 years, i’ve served as a pastoral counselor. We use a technique called transformation prayer. I’ve seen God do wonders with it, including delivering people who I now recognize had this kind of religious OCD, especially crystallized in a single fear, like the fear of being good enough, or losing their salvation.
So, I would love to talk about this more and offer it to people, but I also don’t want to sound like I am being blithe and dismissive. I don’t want to make it sound like I am minimizing any of the experiences people are going through.
To be more specific, I’ve seen that these kinds of religious OCD are rooted in beliefs, either rational or irrational. Those beliefs are something God can speak to. He can renew our minds, and in doing so, transform our lives. We aren’t stuck with our irrational beliefs. God is the God who can renew minds.
So yeah. I would love to talk about this more with anyone who is interested. But if this seems insensitive or out of place, please feel free to delete this comment. I just want to offer some of the help that I’ve found. I don’t want to tread on anyone’s toes.
Hey Kyle! First off, your comment is incredibly kind and thoughtful; I hope you don't worry at all about being insensitive. Second, I agree with you, and this is a super, super important and mysterious topic! I have a very high view of the Holy Spirit / the Spirit's movement in miraculous ways, and I've met a lot of people deeply transformed in miraculous ways because of prayer.
For me, I'm a both / and guy. In my own life, I've experienced miraculous healing from the Lord while also experiencing the continued effects of OCD. I had a moment in prayer where I felt the Lord tell me he had plans for me with OCD, and I have worked hard to trust him in that while also having full confidence that he can heal me whenever he wants to.
All this to say, I am so grateful for pastoral counselors like you. I see a therapist who is a Christian and meet with my pastor regularly! The Lord works in mysterious ways, and I am hoping to be faithful in whatever way he wants to work :)
I just posted a Note about how scrupulosity kept me awake all last night, and asked for prayers, and--lo and behold--your post showed up in my feed. This diagnosis is an old one for me, but what will never get old is reading truth from others who understand the struggle. Thank you for sharing and for your encouragement to my tired heart!
Oh Wendi your words mean so much to me! I get nervous sharing pieces like this because they feel so vulnerable and just, like, out there for anyone to read. To know it's been used by God to provide you some solidarity means so much :)